out of the blue - roxy music

in 2005, i lost my mother. suddenly. a few months later, the mother of a close friend lost her long, drawn-out battle with cancer.

just as i was starting to get on an even keel over the loss of my mum, this happens.

i believe that pain turns up in e/everybody's life from time to time. how we process that pain is where we differ.

i'm (amongst other things) a masochist. my traditional response to a psychic pain like out-of-the-blue bereavement is a burning urge to experience physical pain.

i had a similar need-for-pain, back in 1993, a couple of days after the spanner verdict was handed out and we were criminalised. some of it was righteous, searing rage, me not having been born with enough middle-fingers.

some of it was just a desire for intimacy. 2005-6 was the same. rage and a need to transmute the psychic pain through a physical thrashing.

i was lucky enough to have an understanding boss and got a few days off. so i went to visit a Friend down south. the Friend was - and is - a Sadist.

so i put myself in Her hands and She helped me transmute what i was going through with a mercy-thrashing or two.